The easiest way for me to describe my feelings is to say that it was as if someone took a baseball bat and hit me in the stomach. It was the very last thing that I expected. Cancer, I had cancer. I couldn't believe it. The shock was followed by a period of depression. I was depressed and my family was depressed. I decided that I wasn't going to be depressed -- it wasn't comfortable and it was destructive. For me, depression wasn't an option or a choice! If I didn't know how much longer I had to live, I was going to enjoy every last moment of the time I did have and celebrate life. As soon as I made up my mind to think that way, things began to improve, and we began to enjoy our new lives together. My life and my family's returned to some semblance of "normal."
"I've Had Enough -- We're Going to Sloan-Kettering"
After some very frustrating phone calls trying to find a provider, I decided to stop trying to work within my insurance carrier's preferred provider network. My wife agreed and together we said, "That's it! We've had enough. We're going to Sloan-Kettering." Our thinking was as follows: You don't go to a department store for something that's specialized. You go to a specialty store. If you are serious about life and survival, then you go to the people who can provide you with the best support for treating your disease. There were many things I had no control over, but there were certain things I could control. One of them, I learned, was the medical choices I made.
Other Options
Since the cancer was advanced and had spread beyond the prostate gland into the lymph nodes, I opted not to have the doctors surgically remove all the surrounding cancerous lymph nodes. I wanted whatever time I had left to be enjoyable. Looking for some other options besides surgery, we were referred to Dr. Michael Morris, an oncologist at Memorial. My wife and I had a 45-minute conversation with Dr. Morris. He helped us understand that we were only going to be able to manage the cancer. I told him that I expected the endpoint of my disease to be in a nursing home -- chasing him around in a wheelchair at 90 years of age. Anything less than that was unacceptable. If we failed, I was going to come back as a ghost and haunt him.
I tried various combinations of chemotherapy and radiation therapy. Many of the treatments were part of clinical trials, some more successful than others. Each has helped me maintain my general health and my quality of life. I've reached a point where I have established such a trust level with my doctor that I have no fear that anything he suggests is going to harm me. I know he's not going to place me in a clinical trial that has any danger with no potential upside. And, after we finish discussing the pros and cons of a trial, the final decision, of course, is always mine.
My Work is My Health
It's been three years since I first received my diagnosis. Several times during that period, I've been given 18 months to live (statistically). The way I look at it, I can live to be 75 years old with 18 months to live. When you look at it from that perspective, everything boils down to choices -- what's good for you and what isn't good for you. You try an experimental therapy in a clinical trial and it either works or it fails. If it fails, you choose another trial to help manage the disease. Just look at the improvements in cancer treatment over the last ten years! Every time that something with great promise opens up, I'm at the front of the line, ready to try it. My work used to be with PepsiCo. Now my work is my health, and clinical trials are part of that job.
If you are going to maintain any level of balance in your life, there are only so many things that you can control and the rest you have to let go. I'm not going to give cancer any more power over me than it already has. I am going to live my life as I would've lived it without cancer. It can be attacking my body, but Dr. Morris and his support staff are helping me do the things I need to do to manage this disease. While they attend to my physical needs, I attend to my day-to-day needs. Cancer can't affect my spirit and determination!
Listen to Your Body
That's not to say I didn't have to adapt. I did. Things probably don't get done as quickly as they used to, some things don't get done at all, but I make choices -- the decisions are mine. You have to listen to your body and you have to learn how to manage your life. I expect to maintain a high quality of life and I am able to do so because of my choices. I find it a lot easier to say "no" to people now. Your overall well-being becomes your first priority.
My final advice to someone just diagnosed with prostate cancer is to not let the cancer consume you. You have the ability to control a lot more than you think and each of us is responsible for our well-being! Maintaining and improving your health is a process. I'm sure I made mistakes along the way, but I never second-guess myself. And I certainly didn't make a mistake coming to Memorial and choosing Dr. Morris and his support staff. For all the emotional upheaval in my life, I feel safe and calm whenever I walk through the doors at Memorial. It's my safe house.
I am extremely pleased with the way things are working out! Our family life is in balance. Our friendships are stronger. Our support systems are in place. My priorities are better. There is less stress and my health is being maintained.
